How to Set Boundaries With Latinx Parents Without Feeling Like a Bad Daughter/Son
Key Takeaway: Yes, it is possible to set boundaries with immigrant parents without being mal criada or disrespectful. Culturally responsive boundaries focus on clear, calm "I" statements that protect your emotional well-being while honoring family love.
Dr. Marleny Soriano provides bilingual therapy in Las Vegas, NV, and online across Nevada and Washington. You can book a free 15-minute phone consultation to learn more.
Is It Possible to Set Boundaries With Latinx Immigrant Parents Without Being Mal Criada?
Yes, you can set boundaries as a child of immigrants.
As a first-gen Latinx individual, you were likely raised to believe that keeping the collective peace mattered more than voicing your own needs. That belief doesn't come only from your family; it comes from the culture itself.
Ser bien educada, educado, o educade means staying quiet, not talking back, and doing as you're told. Saying no, disagreeing, or pushing back gets you labeled mal criada or mal criado.
Some of this comes from survival, generations of needing to keep the family unit safe and unified. But knowing where it comes from doesn't make the message any easier to carry: that your needs come second. It can make it hard to trust that setting a boundary isn't selfish or disrespectful, especially when what you want most is for your family to be happy.
So how do you actually do it?
How to Set Boundaries with Immigrant Parents Step-by-Step
1. Understand What Your Limit Is, and Why You Need It
This isn't about justifying it to them, it's about understanding what you need and recognizing why you need it. Most of the time, boundaries exist to create or protect your emotional, mental, and physical safety in relationships, not to punish the people you set them with.
2. Communicate It Clearly and Simply
Your limits don't have to be harsh, and they don't have to ignore your cultural values either. The best time to set a boundary is when things are neutral, not tense. People tend to be more receptive when they're calm, not mid-conflict.
Finding the words is based on the need you identify at the start. Use "I" statements that focus on what you need, not a justification for why you need it.
Here are a few examples, in both English and Spanish:
Turning down an invitation:
"Gracias por invitarme. Me hubiera encantado poder asistir, pero ese día no estoy disponible."
("Thank you for inviting me. I would have loved to attend, but I'm not available that day.")
When family keeps asking when you'll have kids:
"Escucho que estás emocionado/a sobre mi futuro como padre/madre, y por ahora no quiero hablar sobre ese tema."
("I hear that you're excited about my future as a parent, and for now I don't want to talk about that topic.")
When family comments on your body or weight:
"Agradecería que no comenten sobre mi cuerpo o apariencia." or "Mi cuerpo y apariencia no son temas de discusión."
("I'd appreciate it if you didn't comment on my body or appearance." / "My body and appearance aren't topics for discussion.")
When parents don't respect your parenting rules for your kids:
"Yo sé que amas a tus nietos y quieres divertirte con ellos. Agradecería que respetes las reglas que he puesto. Podemos platicar más a fondo sobre las reglas si tienes alguna pregunta."
("I know you love your grandchildren and want to have fun with them. I'd appreciate it if you respect the rules I've set. We can talk more about them if you have questions.")
3. Prepare to Receive Pushback
You will likely have to repeat the same boundary more than once. Pushback is normal. So is people forgetting. Maintaining a boundary is often harder than setting it the first time. This is where coming back to step one, your reason for the limit, matters most.
The pushback isn't really about you. It's about what the limit represents. You may feel derrotada, disappointed, guilty, or even ashamed when you get pushback, and that's normal too. This is likely the first time you've pushed back on an expectation you've followed for decades, so it is hard for them to change, too.
Breaking the Cycle as a First-Gen Adult Child of Immigrants
As the first-gen American in your family, you're navigating something different than the generation before you. You're assimilating, blending, and honoring two cultures while trying to belong to both. You have needs that no one else in your family has had, and in learning to hold them, you may be the one starting to romper el ciclo, to break the cycle, for the generations after you.
I'm not saying your needs are more important or more severe than anyone else's. I'm saying you're the only one who fully understands them, and the only one who can act to protect them.
Let's Talk About It in Therapy
Setting boundaries with the people who raised you is one of the hardest, most vulnerable things you can do, especially when the culture you love also taught you that doing it makes you mal criada.
In our work together, we can practice what this actually sounds like for your specific family, and build the confidence to hold the boundary even when it's met with pushback.
I offer in-person therapy in Las Vegas (Summerlin) and online therapy across Nevada and Washington. If you're not sure where to start, or if just thinking about saying "no" to your parents brings up guilt you don't know what to do with, schedule a free 15-minute consultation. It's a chance to share a bit about your situation and ask any questions you have, with no pressure to commit to anything beyond that first conversation.
About the Author:
Dr. Marleny Soriano, MFT, is a bilingual Latina therapist and founder of Valor Therapy. She specializes in working with first-generation Latinx professionals who struggle in their relationships to help them manage family expectations, heal generational patterns, and stop repeating what they swore they'd never do.